Listen here, my pretty dear, I'll get right to the point;
You flash those eyes, and I'm mezmerized,
So I hate to disappoint.
But I'd better make it clear right from the start--
I've been there before and gambled with my heart;
Yes, I've lost, but now I'm wiser for the pain.
No, I'll never trust my heart to love again--no way.

​

I NEED ROMANCE like the dollar needs inflation,
Just like Eve needed temptation,
Like Detroit needed Japan;

I NEED ROMANCE like a Ronco In-Egg Scrambler,
Or a great deal on a Rambler,
Or some stretch-elastic pants;
I'm not takin' a chance on romance.

​

I NEED ROMANCE like the nation needed Nixon,
Like a statue needs a pigeon,
Like the wilderness needs Watt;

I NEED ROMANCE like a case of halitosis,
Or a terminal prognosis,
Or a chicken needs a pot;
I'm not takin' a chance on romance.

​

Well, I've been hurt by the flirt,
So excuse me if I'm curt;
I've been burned by the yearn;
Guess I can say that I've learned!

​

I NEED ROMANCE like a calcium deposit,
Like a skeleton in the closet,
Like a postman needs a dog;

I NEED ROMANCE like a turkey needs Thanksgiving,
Or a tooth that needs a drilling,
Just like LA needs the smog;
I'm not takin' a chance on romance.

​

Well, I've been squeezed by the tease,
So excuse my manner, please;
I've been dinked by the wink;
Don't mind at all if I shrink!

​

I NEED ROMANCE like Chicago needs the Cubbies,
Just like legs that need the stubbies,
Like the Russians need Gdansk;
I NEED ROMANCE like another Ayatollah,
Or a rookie air controllah,
Just like Carter needed Lance;

But all it took was a glance,
And an invitation to dance,
Now I feel like takin' a chance on romance.